If old Chinese grandma's can play and enjoy it... and they have no concept of joy.

The sweeter the girl, the smaller the mouth.

James: Alright, I ordered the breakfast of champions: a pretzel and a pazookie. Robert: Does he mean a paizuri? Matt: I think that's what he means, yeah.

James: Is there something wrong with Haitian witch doctor rap? Matt: Is there something wrong with Haitian pu**y?

Does it have an Apple logo on the back of it?

Robert: bae's karaoke voice may not be gura... but it's not ame. and it has soul. James: Ame's has soul. The soul of a holocaust victim in their last moments.

James: The doctors were like "it's gonna feel like you're pissing, but don't worry - you're not". Ben: I would kill for that

William: This is what I like to do at the crack of dawn. James: Moan? William: Fight to the death for my mom.

James: You like Hybrid Tahoe that much? Jake: It’s his identity!

Robert: Did anyone at SACS ever get a spray tan? James: Cyril?

All Asians are good for is making my cartoons and exporting prostitutes

Here we are having the least hateful conversation about Jews I’ve ever had with Robert, and you just have to go and interrupt us.

Kaleb: Don't put words in my mouth, James. James: There's a lot more I wanna put in your mouth.

James: I've been enjoying playing Gecko. Karsten: He jizzes on your face and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. James: Oh I know how *I* feel about it.

Ethan: Is she married yet? James: Married to… World of Warcraft.

Robert when he gets to another person's profile description: CTRL+F 'disabled'

Papa needs a mouse

James: *reading* Ramen Danbo Robert: Got dat dere Raamin Danbow James: Or as Mrs. Hullum would say, “Why did my husband leave me?!”

Hannah: Whyy is there so much traffiiiic? James: We need another plague. Hannah: Aren’t we in a plague? James: We need a better plague.

They were using the PAID version of Adobe Acrobat to RENAME files.

Hostess delivery man: Thank you James: No, thank you honey bun man

You have anything that can cut through an 80 year old man like butter? You have one in pink?

James: I hate games that won't let me alt-f4 Robert: That's nice. And how does that make you feel? James: Angry... with a kiss of horny.

Fertility - it’s what makes an Emma an Emma

You don’t apply to a Jim’s. You end up at a Jim’s.

It looks like you jacked off a Smurf

Robert: Luby's gon' DIE witout dem ol' people James: Well, Robert, that's what old people do!

A man, woman, or thing of culture

I hate eating right before I sleep, it feels so pointless.

This is the only thing I've ever seen that pushed the CPU this hard.

James: What is this fire hydrant made of? Robert: Probably fire.

Robert: Let’s just park in handicap for now. James: You’re basically handicapped.

Hunter: I've gone to school with Allison since Kindergarten James: I'm sorry.

There's something empowering about having Visa call you to fix their servers while you're lying naked in bed.

I will die for the man who did not set fire to our observation tower.

You’re looking pretty “on fleek” today.

Robert: Can we have a Christmas Yuri Marathon? James: Yes. You bring the Yuri, I'll bring the Christmas.

Benton: Sleep? They don't have any of those where I'm going. James: And where is that? Benton: Hell. James: They have them there.

Robert: Fuck Stephen. James: Yeah, he has someone to do that for him now. No longer has to pay-- Robert: No longer has to pay you? James: We're brothers. I do that for free.

Chris isn't really a big fan of reality.

Robert: Now you're thinking with portals. James: Now I can't think anymore.

I have no proof that black people exist.

Benton: Alright I need to stop reading that and start reading why trannies are people too. James: HA! Good luck with that!

James: Give me money James: Benton Give me _money_ James: Benton give James: Benton me money Benton: I already bought my freedom massa James: Very well, I release you from your bonds

Robert: Has the village been spared its rape and pillage? James: It hasn't been pillaged

When you showed their titties flapping in the wind– was that a reference to the plight of the Jews in the holocaust?

I stared into the eyes of death, AND DEATH BLINKED.

Alright there is NO way slave labor was not involved in the creation of this game.

James: Happy 9/11 Robert: It *is* a happy 9/11. Wouldn’t you say? James: Why yes.

Robert: I just had to catch up on sleep after watching that stupid snail movie instead of resting. Robert: My statements against Turbo were made in good faith. James: They better be. I literally missed work today because of it Chris: you two have allowed this snail movie to disrupt your sleep, your work, your very lives. I am disappointed James: Ah that’s unfortunate. Chris apparently does not have the mental capacity to even begin to understand the nuances of this movie

Robert: Your cat doesn't lick my feet anymore. That was the only reason I came over here. James: UUUGGGGHHH *pretends to murder cat* James: UGGGGGHHHH *grabs cat's head and shoves towards feet*

Robert: *calls* James: Shut up Robert: *calls again* James: I'm out eating Robert: I want you to savor every bite *hours pass* James: ok what Robert: I was getting raped but Mr. Foley is gone now Robert: no thanks to you James: What do you think I was eating Robert: popcorn? James: Mr. Foley Robert: Ah that was going to be my fifth guess

Give me all the ethiopian refugees below 6 years of age with a body-fat index of negative 60. PERFECT. SIX THOUSAND RESULTS.

James: Boy Robert: Girl James: Hermaphrodite Robert: Gamer

Robert: Server is down. James: oh lol ur not on autostart James: because ur a BITCH James: remember that James: On your deathbed, you're going to have to tell your son Robert: I will be leaving a 1 star review for this hosting service Robert: I will have no sons Robert: only daughters James: "son, you may think your father was a good man" James: "but I must come clean" Robert: Any son of mine will be made into a daughter whether he likes it or not Robert: especially if not James: "I've lived my life humbly, and frugally" James: "But there is something I have not told you" James: "I am a bitch" Robert: "Now give your daddy a big wet kiss on the lips"

You're fired, please give your gun and badge to the screaming Roomba.

Why do we even have all this spelling?

My body will be distributed amongst my funeral-goers as a party favor

You have no proof than I can read

And that my first experience using Unity

Get in the teeth.

I wish my dad was still alive. But on the bright side, this is the shittiest cheese I’ve ever eaten.

I promise nothing. I promise less than nothing. I'm going to break their product.

We want the bullets to be a different color, shape, speed, and size. We can't even make one.

Fuckin snow twats

Ruben: Did you just make me eat your pussy? James: I’ve been doing that all day.

I’m roasting a marshmallow. Robert can you steer for a while?

Today is the most important day of the year, because— today is Allison Ling’s birthday.

Yes I would like the mobility scooter and as many dolls that will fit on it.

Nice. Very sneaky. There’s that covert ops we spent so much money on.

Chris: I’m wearing a wolf skull! James: I’m wearing bones, all over! Robert: I’m black!

Ima rip your dick off and play the kraken theme through it like an organ

I haven’t felt the touch of clean clothes in years. I hear a crunch as I don the cloth upon my flesh.

I got the Note 1 when the Note 4 came out.